Our original list was entitled 13,000 things a woman should never have in her home, but for the sake if brevity we've edited it down to a smaller, all the more unlucky thirteen. And a few more for good luck.
Please, if you find yourself squealing with delight at any of the objet d'art you see below, consult – thoroughly – with a professional interior designer or decorator.
Also, this is a guide. Don't take as a must or be offended if you have any of the items we mentioned in this article. Remember the fun in it!
And, if you're the susceptible type and you're about to dare introduce paintbrush to bucket and lay a lick of paint over your walls, you might want to read this additional Don't DIY guide from homify:
Life is beauty, admire it – and stop staring at this vapid mass-produced print. Life is a promise, fulfill it – by not mounting this print on the walls of your home. Life is a song, sing it – in the shower, please. Life is life, fight for it – indeed, get one and ban 'inspirational' decorations such as these – they reek of desperation and destroy the soul.
Upgrade your thread count and ditch the cheap bed linen. Chuck out the awful bedside lamp while you're at it – no one likes the moldy look. As for the floral print…
Try this article: 7 common mistakes in cramped homes and how to solve them
Worse than dead flowers, which can possess a certain gothique appeal, silk flowers are dusty. old-fashioned, and – as this vertiginous picture effectively communicates – upset even the most rigorously balanced interior design. Same for the silk doilies and… everything else you can see here.
This photo is actually the epitome of a well-kept boudoir when it comes to the cosmetics crash test site that can plague many a woman's home. Just bear in mind that the feminine mystique depends, at least in part, on mystery – keep the secrets of your face a secret and stow your makeup safely away from prying eyes.
Every pet needs a place to nap, but if your dog basket is more luxurious than your own bedroom, the hierarchy of the home is disrupted and your lack of self-esteem will unnerve everyone, including your dog. In this case, keep the dog and ditch the canine lounge suite for a companion that will truly be your best friend rather than cramp your style.
These cats do not look happy with this moderne cat-scratching thing, and neither should you. If you insist, grab a bit of lumber and staple a bit of old carpet around it for your feline companions to tear to shreds. Don't try and combine sculpture with a scratching post – if you're a cat lady be a properly crazy cat lady.
We've all had enough of her, so much of her in fact that who she was has been buried under a massive heap of infinitely reproduced 'vintage' Dia de los Muertos-esque bric-a-brac, her image more circulated than Mona Lisa and Marilyn Monroe combined. All we know now is that she had cray fashion sense and an incredible eyebrow, and that her likeness is available in half a dozen cheap high street gift shops on any number of mass-produced Things.
Imagine a hypothetical onion representing the non-ironic (read: moronic), bottomless pit of contemporary irony. You peel off a layer and there's another layer, peel of this layer and there's another layer. You keep peeling and the onion remains an onion and you're crying lol emojis and you still don't get it. Neither does this vapid piece of 'vintage', 'retro' art, a pastiche of a pastiche of a pastiche (with a mustache) ad infinitum. It follows that neither does the woman who purchases said assemblage and puts it in her home.
Attempted semiotic analysis (don't try this at home)
There's an icon of a top hat (old-fashioned), there's an icon of a waxed mustache (old-fashioned), there's an icon of a pair of vaguely Ray-Ban (sort-of-old-fashioned-but-fashionable-right-now) sunglasses. It's ironic because old-fashioned and sort-of-old-fashioned (and fashionable-right-now) don't 'go together' and this what's more Now isn't 'old-fashioned' at all! And it's on a piece of distressed wood! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!
Matched here with a cheap-ass glass 'chandelier' and an eye-catching heat pump outlet vent, the cheap, pink synthetic net curtains and spam-pink bedspread under a puff-padded headboard reminds us that bordello-chic is not (yet) a thing. We'll keep you posted, promise.
Just plain creepy. Like the soft toy above but irredeemably infantile. We kind of like how the multiple Barbies' miniature sorority house is also an example of how not to decorate or design your home in microcosm.
This lovely piece of airbrush mural art does not give your cramped apartment 'a sense of space', will certainly not act as backdrop to seduction, and will not allow you to meditate your way back to that awesome gap year trip to Koh Samui you vaguely remember over your French press of a morning, though you might be able to imagine you're an extra in the draft version of The Jungle Book. And for goodness sake, unplug and stash the air compressor before your guests arrive – it ruins the '3D effect'.
Yes, yes – you have lots of friends (over 763 more on Facebook!) and had an incredible time in Cancun on spring break five years ago, and like to remind yourself of these two facts. Every night before you go to sleep. Recommendation: don't buy a quirky photo-collage frame or, if you insist, keep the generic model inserts in – they're better looking than your fellow alumni.
Poor, poor Alexander. And his young companion should be pitied too, if only because you've chosen to immortalize them both in this terribly chosen photo in a terrible frame that you'll place prominently in your undoubtedly terrible home, despite the fact that you actually found the photo in an estate auction, the frame in a second-hand shop, and the paint you used to paint the frame in the alley round the corner.
If your eyes aren't bleeding yet, we salute you – and present you this penultimate challenge. Not since Aqua's Barbie Girl has a more plastic and (not) fantastic bedroom design been inflicted upon the world. Bordello-chic, if the trend is to ever take hold, has its roots in Japanese love-motel design, obviously the inspiration here. Drift off to sleep and dream of monstrous cupcakes, looming over your ice-cream-candy-striped bed from a photo-collage mural that will have you clawing at the bright pink – almost magenta – neoprene op-art headboard in no time. All the books on the shelf are conveniently blank, so as not to distract you from the Willy Wonka nonsense you decided to buy online after that night you spent face-first in the punch bowl.
First you made the mistake of joining an improv comedy troupe so you could replace the generic model inserts in your photo-collage frame with actual people that you actually socialise with. Then you made the mistake of letting one member crash on the couch for 'just a week'. Next you had the whole crew and their, uh, portable stools (juggling equipment?) rearranging the lamps to stage spontaneous outbursts of street theatre in your living room. Note the distinct lack of furniture other than these interlopers and their, uh, portable stools – attention-seekers and upstagers to the very end.
And last but not least, check this article out: 7 ideas to beautify your home in an instant